i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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