I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize