21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
