Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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