so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
