got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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