i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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