whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
