dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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