She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
