the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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