how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
