And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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