So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
