remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
