My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
