News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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