Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
