new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
