Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
