i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
