So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize