I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
