and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize