I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
