just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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