I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
