the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You're a waste of cheezeits
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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