nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
