Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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