i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The power of my boobs compel you
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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