I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
