Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
