lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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