i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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