Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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