So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize