Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
