I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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