So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
