you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she told me i tasted like america
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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