Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
