I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
