Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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