I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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