wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
