I wanna passion pit in your ass
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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