you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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