I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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