Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
