Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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