and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
