I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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