The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
