Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
