Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
