TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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