Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
