he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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