party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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