I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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