Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
