It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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