I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
